Sunday, August 21, 2005

Lollywood Rawks! Absolutely!

Last night I was forced to see a Lollywood flick due to the insistence and rock-hard determination of the maid. Although the story was pretty bearable (sic) I was particularly amazed by the movie itself, and it made me rather nostalgic about STN and the Shabnam/Mohammad Ali movies. They were waayyyy better than the stuff Lollywood is churning out now. So what does it take to make a movie that people will instantly recognize as a Lollywood flick? (Glaringly stupid mistakes/ways to accomplish things):

  1. Title: Choose the stupidest title you can think of, like Gujjar Badmaash, Haseena 420, Puranay Mujrim. The movie last night was called "Mr. Fraudiay"!
  2. Stuff as many lead actors/actresses as you can and your budget allows. Anything below three couples is highly susceptible to failure.
  3. Get the weirdest choreographer and ask him to bring his weirdest best out, so that there is some interest in the movie. Come on, the Pakistani audience isn't decent.
  4. Emphasize on all your actors to talk in Mustufa Qureshi/Sultan Rahi accent. Even actresses, yes. Everything should be "Roabdar" for the movie to succeed. Anyone who attempts to do a natural act, should be stricken off from the cast.
  5. Project the villain as a Dr. Evil type, with superhuman abilities.
  6. And the hero, as a superhumannatural (new word!), larger than life prude.
  7. Use computers (in the movie) to show the actors are doing really important work, but make sure that they keyboards are not connected and screen savers with "PAKISTAN" written are activated.
  8. Shoot everything indoors, and use age-old boards for sky-effect.

So these are only few of the things I think are necessary for a movie to be called a Lollywood flick. For instance, in the movie last night, Meera was supposed to be stranded in a boat in the river, shouting for help, and I couldn't help seeing a very distinct rope tied to the aft of the boat. So much for authenticity!

I saw a Lollywood movie after a long time, and I hope I wont have to see another one for a long time too! God help me!


JonyBr said...

u r a courageous man...itni himmat hum mei nahi :p

uXuf said...

Yeah lolz. Iss k liye "Cheetay ka jigr chahiye shaheen ka tajassus"

And it was tajassus that got the better of me! :P

W.h.i.t.e..C.h.a.l.k... said...

I laugh at 7th n 8th point !!